I remembered a lot of forgotten things in these few days....things about girls I liked before. I really changed a lot.

I didn't go to Photoplus Expo today. I found out it will be closed at 4pm not 5pm after I got the money out from the ATM. I was short in cash in these few days. I tried to get money Thursday night, but the machine was out of service. I tried again by using my new ATM card yesterday, but it didn't work. I went to the bank on Northern Blvd. The ATM was inside.....and there was no way to open the door....weird ATM.

Heeheehee! I joined BN membership again! I am going to read more books in this coming year!

I felt kinda strange to see how people changed. This is the first time I really think, "I am really getting old." However, I am really glad to know that God's grace is amazing!

My upper lip was burned....by hot Fokin fish ball's juice. Now, I think I talked too much recently. I have to learn how to listen again.

I watched "Before Sunset". It is as good as "Before Sunrise", but more realistic. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy are amazing! They really improved their performance. "Before Sunset" was filmed because of the requests of audiences. It's nine years after the story of "Before Sunrise". It is very rare to meet a person that you both feel "right"....like meant to be together. It will be unforgetable...but, I think love is more than that.

After the movie, I went to watch sunrise....and very tired now.

I spent the whole afternoon in Manhattan today. Arrived at 51st and 6th Ave. Then, I walked to 56th st. Finished lunch and went to 49th st. Walked around the Time Square and wanted to find a store and gave up. Next stop was 33rd st and 9th Ave and found out the camera store was close for Jewish holiday.

Stupid me....I should know. Then....ICP at 43rd st and 6th Ave, I asked the lady where I can clean the camera. Then, I went to get a catalog of SVA in 23rd st and 3th Ave. At last, I found the camera store and bought a special coat near the school. I intended to walk to Chinatown, but I was too tired. So, I stopped in Astor Place. I walked the liquor store...still couldn't find the "sake" I wanted. So, I called up a friend and had dinner together. Nice talk!

However, I found out....the camera really need special care.....because some dirts are inside the camera....and the len.....

Amazing!!! I just found out my old-school SLR was made in 1979!!! I got a very good reason to keep it now. I am going to take it to a store to see if it can be cleaned or repaired.

Finally, I found the one I am looking for!!! She got everything that I dreamed of...not perfect, but good enough for me. Just too pricy.....

http://reviews.cnet.com/Canon_EOS_20Da_body_only/4505-6501_7-31411520.html

An astrophotography version of Canon EOS 20D. Ar!Haf!(coughing blood)....it will be over 3 thousands with the accessories....not counting telescope and accessories....

A friend of mine told me to change, after she heard I want to be a photojournalist. She said I don't do anything to impress girls already...and now I want to be more "unstable". She suggested me to change my attitude toward girls and may be style. 

I know she concerns about my love life. However, I am not going to fake myself and win a girl and change back. No point to waste time like that. I may change for my girlfriend for our relationship, but not a girl who is not my girlfriend yet. Now, if you want me to choose between a decent camera and a fair lady, I will struggle and finally choose the camera. It's not just a camera, it is my long waited dream.

Most of my boys concern about success when I told them my goal. They generally said if I don't build my career now, I will be nothing after my age of 30 and up. Simply, they are saying I am saying good-bye to "successful life". Yeah! I don't want that kind of success. I will not be satisfied by power, money or glory, but freedom, the sense of living. People may think photographer is just not a real job, but do you really think I care much about other people's thoughts?

I may lose a lot for it, but it is worse to lose myself.

My decision will only be changed, if Jesus shows He wants me to do other things instead.

Now, let's face the fact....I have to earn money in order to study and buy equipments.

p.s. I finally found my old-school Ricoh KR-5 Super 35mm SLR....the lens and body have to be clean by specialist...inside and out....the cost will be expensive....should I just buy another one?

October 13rd, 2005

My (rainy) day

I woke up at 8 because of a dream. I dreamed I passed by an old building. When I looked at the entrance, I "remembered" it was my old church's location (not real location). I walked upstair and found one of my picture was on the wall. The picture show a lot of faces. Shocking was my heart. I woke up.

I remember the first time I went there, the first reaction, the first raised hand. I remember the older brothers and sisters told me about Jesus' grace. I remember how they work for the Lord recently. Some of them already left this world. The rest of them are still serving Him in different places. We learned together....really wanted to catch up although I was the youngest. I left them for my ignorances. I left her for my failure. I left Him for my incompleteness.

Then, I met friends in P.S. We fought and knew each others. We talked and learned each others. We ran and shouted like other people didn't exit. We met in Mongkok under ferocious typhoon. I didn't know. We caught everyone's eyes. So, simply and straight forward. We just did what we wanted to do. But, I left them for my so call "future", or may be just my parents. I left her...no, because of her, I left. I made the final decision because of her.

When I came to NY, I  chose to be all alone.  I kept distance with people, because I didn't want others to take up their places. "This is not my place. I will go back. I must go back!" Then, I met LF after I knew what the Lord wanted me. I started to open my heart in fellowship. I changed through different learning. I learn more about myself. I tried to put God's will and others interest on top. I saw God's works. He even hinted me that I would fall and gave me strength in advance. Then, I fell miserably. Everything I built collapsed.

I need to rebuild myself again by the grace of the Lord. I am trying...but, not there yet. Dreaming of the old church make me think so much...and encouraged me. For me, my life was changed in there.

I remember this song. I heard this song more than ten years ago. Yeah...the first time I fall for a girl.  From Bryan Adams:

(Everything I Do) I Do It For You

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there, you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Look into my heart, you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

There's no love,  like your love
And no other,  could give more love
There's nowhere, unless you're there
All the time, all the way

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you , I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you, Yeah I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do, oh,  I do it for you

Today is a funny day. I woke up from a dream before 7am. Funny weird dream. I really didn't have mood...too many thoughts in my mind. Don't like to drive in the heavy rain. I just want to sit and watch the rain fall. I got caught by the traffic anyway. However, I was busy calming down my friend. Then, I had watched some movies with a friend. Interesting movies...pointed out a lot of man's and woman's thoughts...well, it is not so important. The point is: funny.

Please take a look of the newest photo. Enjoy!

http://photos.yahoo.com/meowtim

Despair.....I want to go out to cheer up, but I am not interested on anything. I didn't want to watch any movie.......sigh.

My old friend just called and asked me if I interested to date her friend. She is so consistent that I have to clearly say no.

Sometimes, I just want to be with girls, but I don't want to go beyond friendship. Why do I need to consider so many matters now? Why can't I let my thought and relationship be simple? Sigh...no one. There's no one I can get near and it will not affect other people.

I miss you Eva. You were the only one I really enjoyed to be with and we knew each other so well. Friends surrounded us also knew we were just friend. I called you "half-ze-kei" (half the closest friend). You trusted me. No matter what other people said. Dropping tears, watching rain, shouting "stupid" together.

Thanks God for you. If there was not you, I wouldn't know how to listen.

Feeling better now.